Q. What is Tantra?

A. Tantra is such a vast subject that it's fascinating and awe-inspiring. It includes so much that it can be very confusing to the beginning student. Tantra is an art, a science, a way of life that is honest and courageous. It includes and faces squarely our sexual energy, this awesome force that some religions fear and want to suppress. It can be used to help us reach our highest potential of pleasure, and union with the divine.

However, Tantra is not a religion. Tantra does not require anyone to follow any dogmas. Rather, it encourages us to discover through our own experience our true creative potential for pleasure, and our ability to connect with all the elements that surround us, and the spirit that we all share.

To achieve this, it offers a series of exercises in breathing, tone vibrations, the use of certain muscles, and concentration on certain symbols representing the energy centers of the body. This helps us clear blocks interfering with the movement of energy, and guides us into altered states of consciousness. There we can transcend our everyday self-identification, and we can get a glimpse of our true larger reality. This includes the body, and goes beyond to include "all that is." It's a state of great expansion and orgasmic pleasure that surpasses by far the short-lived ejaculatory orgasm that many are accustomed to.

Q. How is it possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation?

A. Using tantric principles, such as breathing, visualizing, and squeezing the love muscles to draw sexual energy from the sex organs up the spine to the back of the brain, a man can learn to ride the waves of orgasm and start coasting along the crest of those waves like a skilled surfer. He can go down in the valley of the wave and enjoy playing more safely in a sweet and intensive romantic/spiritual space, absorbing the benefits resulting from the heightened pleasure he just achieved. He feels as if he's buzzing with energy, more open and tender toward his partner and himself. They can look into each other s eyes, exchange gentle caresses, or simply breathe together to expand the state of bliss. All this can be done without the man losing the precious life-force contained in his semen. Then the couple can proceed to make love actively, and reach several peaks in one love session. After having reached several peaks and experienced several body orgasms, he can choose to have an ejaculatory orgasm if desired.

Q. How does tantric sex deepen the love between couples?

A. The tantric couple makes a commitment to keep their love fresh by scheduling time for long love sessions at least once a week. The beginning of every relationship is easy. Everything is new and exciting, and chemistry is carrying us through: We see only what is good about our lover. For some of us, however, after a couple of years when we seem to know everything about each other, and we have made love in all imaginable positions and in every room in the house, boredom might start to creep in. To avoid this we must go deeper into the realms of the emotions, the psyche, and the spirit. Setting time aside to play together is the best way to discover new things about each other, which makes the relationship exciting again.

Another way to keep the relationship passionate is to commit to a short time of physical connection once a day, even if for only ten minutes. Here the intention is just to express the nurturing and caring for each other without setting a goal of actually "having sex." It's important to nurture each other, especially when we might start to close our hearts and become numb after repeated disagreements that seem impossible to resolve. After the ten-minute physical nurturing connection, it's often easier to come to a loving solution and restore the good feelings. The body remembers how good it feels to be in harmony with, and sexually excited by, the partner. The mind--which usually wants to prove itself right in any argument--gives in instead to the feeling of warmth and pleasure, possibly finding a win-win solution to the argument. After this period of closeness, we're usually in a much more rational position to decide what would be the best investment of our time together--either making love, or proving who's right and who's wrong.

Q. Lately I have been experiencing problems with getting and keeping an erection. I was used to getting fully erect as soon as I saw a desirable woman. I liked the way my sexual potency made me feel. I want it back. How can Tantra help me regain my potency?

A. Thank you for sharing intimately with me. Being honest is probably the best pre-requisite to successfully studying Tantra. Unless you have an obvious medical problem, the tantric breathing and PC muscles exercises help regain the potency you once had. Counseling with an experienced tantric therapist can help you trace the root of the problem with the love and compassion that tantra generates. As we are getting on in age we no longer have enough energy available to suppress Your problem might have been caused by emotional or psycho-spiritual blocks that might exist in your psyche. Perhaps it is an old guilt or a hidden abuse issue that you never address or some fear of getting old, or bitterness, or.... I don't know you enough to attempt making assumptions. I am known for doing 'laser-beam therapy' once I can be face to face with a client. Sometimes the worry about "it" is what makes it worse. Tantric tools can help you relax and enjoy the moment of intimacy whether you have an erection or not, and if left alone by 'the controlling' mind, you might surprise yourself with a strong erection that you can sustain as long as you desire. I hope I can be of help. You have the right to a fulfilling life on all levels.

Q. Why is communication so stressed in Tantra?

A. Many of us believe that we're great lovers, and that we can read our partner's mind about what he or she likes in sex. As tantric practitioners, however, we discover the nuances of pleasure that we miss when we're only goal-oriented, so we develop the ability to ask. The person who's asked sometimes has to overcome his or her shyness or embarrassment in explaining what is most pleasurable. Some people are so afraid to ask for what they want that they don't allow themselves even to become aware of how their needs are not being fulfilled. Lots of patience and gentle coaxing can help the receiving lover become aware and express his or her needs, and slowly open up to more pleasure.

When we communicate fully and with great honesty, the results are wonderful. Usually our partners love giving us what we want. Giving us pleasure increases their pleasure. Asking for what we want (and receiving it) increases our trust in each other, and therefore our closeness and love.

Q. I feel tingling and sometimes lightheaded when I'm doing my deep diaphragm breathing. Am I doing something wrong?

A. Thank you for feeling safe enough to ask for clarification on your process toward learning deep diaphragmatic breathing to open up locked energies in your body. I recommend that you breathe for about 20 minutes if you feel safe with the tingling, which is caused by waking up energy that is stored in your body. If you relax fully while you're exhaling, the tingling will subside and you will enjoy heightened energy. After that just rest and relax or proceed to make love to yourself or with a partner.

NB: Hyperoxygenation happens only when you force the exhalation. A safe way to remember to relax on the exhalation is to allow yourself to make the sound of Aaa...and let all the air empty by itself without forcing it out by blowing or controlling it. Just let yourself sigh it out.

Enjoy,
Carla

Q. How long does it take to learn ejaculatory control?

A. How quickly a man can learn to control his ejaculation response depends on how much he practices, and the attitude he practices with. It's almost a paradox: The more patient and loving you are with yourself, the less in a hurry to achieve quick results, the faster you'll learn. That's because relaxation is the key, and you can't be relaxed if you're very goal-oriented. When you're goal-oriented, you're tense and usually judgmental. Ideas like, "I don't know if I'll ever learn this stuff.....Perhaps it's not for me....I'm wasting my time...." or similar discouraging thoughts will retard the process of learning.

So be positive and loving. Start with self-pleasuring sessions as though you would pleasure the body of a god, or a person you love and admire. In such a case you wouldn't care how long it takes that person to learn ejaculation control, or anything else. It helps if you set the mood by lighting a candle, burning your favorite incense, and perhaps having some of your favorite flowers and/or inspiring pictures in view. The right kind of music can help set the right atmosphere for relaxation as well. Each time you pleasure yourself and feel an ejaculation approaching, try to become more consciously aware of all the signals your body is sending you. With practice, you'll be better able to anticipate--and then regulate--your reaction.

By the way, the more I work with clients concerned about ejaculation control, the more I realize that the word "control" is not really appropriate. It's rather a redistribution of energy throughout the body. With breathing techniques and the use of your PC (pubo-coccyceal) muscles, you engage your imagination. Visualize that you're bringing the very hot energy that has collected around your genitals to the rest of your body--especially to your heart--mixed with a feeling of love for yourself. It's almost as if you're opening up a dam and letting the flow of water run along the river. Imagine that it's a river of warm energy, love and light, spreading throughout your body.

I hope this helps you a little. Obviously most people need more than one session before they can actually own the techniques that will extend their pleasure by postponing the ejaculation. It helps when someone knowledgeable can guide you through the experience.

Q. Where is a woman's G-spot, and how can it be stimulated?

A. When approaching the G-spot--I call it the Goddess hot-spot--it's helpful to think about how you can lovingly "awaken" the area. This gives both the man and the woman the opportunity to become more aware of deep feelings, and to experience how the body, the mind and the spirit all respond to the pleasure. This attitude will greatly deepen your love connection.

The G-spot isn't really a "spot," as Dr. Grafenberg thought, but a larger area inside the vagina, located up and behind the pubic bone. I recommend that you spend time loving all parts of your woman's body before going to her yoni (the vagina). Kissing her lips and caressing her is a good start. When she starts breathing more deeply and showing signs of being really turned on, you would pay closer attention to her yoni, massaging her outer and inner labia. When her clitoris becomes visible from under the hood, you can start stimulating the clitoris. When her lips and clitoris are engorged, you can ask permission to enter her sacred area. I recommend that you enter the vaginal opening with your ring finger, and then you might add your middle finger if appropriate. Hook your finger up around the internal pubic bone, toward the front of her body. Slowly move your finger from the 9 o'clock to the 3 o'clock position, searching for a ridged area that feels spongy, usually located at about the 12 o'clock position. It's a tissue that becomes engorged when aroused, so the area increases in size. When you've developed a sensitivity to energy, it will be easy for your to detect the difference in texture.

This is a very sensitive area for a woman, which has great potential to give her intense pleasure. But it can also be a holding place for emotional pain--especially if she's had some sexual abuse in the past, or was entered without having agreed to it, or before she was ready. So if you're going to explore this area, it's important that you proceed very slowly at first, touching each part very gently, and almost waiting for her to move against your finger. If necessary, you might encourage her to move, as she knows best what feels good for her.

Often, before it can be pleasurable for a woman to experience stimulation there, she may initially feel discomfort, or it may bring up disturbing emotions from her past. In this case, you need to take the role of her healer, and listen to her with love and compassion. Don't take anything she says as a personal rejection. If she cries, or laughs, or shows any other emotion, make space for it to happen naturally. Just let her feel safe with her emotions by being there to support her lovingly. She'll come out of the experience feeling more open, and probably more trusting and grateful for your support. Such a woman is usually very generous in returning pleasure to you, but you might want to remind her that this is her time to receive pleasure, and that she can return the favor some other time. This thoughtfulness always works wonders for building deeper relationships between true lovers.

When experimenting with stimulating the Goddess hot-spot, it's best if you don't have any goals or expectations, such as her reaching a climax. Just approach the experience with curiosity and love. Be very gentle and sensitive with your touch initially, then use slightly more pressure after she starts to feel the pleasure. Some women want more pressure than others, and some enjoy a tap-tapping motion. Encourage her to communicate what kinds of touch she prefers at any moment. Her wishes might change quickly, so really listen to her feedback; don't just keep repeating the same touch.

A woman may experience many different emotions in one session. See them all as a prelude to the pleasure which is ready to emerge. Sometimes women can eject lots of Amrita, a nutritious, wonderful juice than men can chose to drink. She can have several body and ejaculatory orgasms. When you're ready to take your fingers out of her yoni, cover her entrance with your palm so that she feels supported and not abandoned. The other hand can be placed on her heart to help her connect sex with love. Learning about the G-spot is definitely worth your time and patience. Good luck.

A. This is a common frustration among men. They're expected to know everything, so some men are even reluctant to ask for driving directions or any other advice, because they'd be admitting there's something they don't know. When a man finally does ask his partner what she wants, as you've done, it's even more frustrating not to get a clear-cut and precise answer. But I'm a woman and I can understand the reason. Many women actually don't know what they want themselves, having never felt it was necessary to do so. Thus they can't explain what turns them on. Tantra encourages women to practice sensuously arousing themselves, experimenting with many different touches and strokes. Many women are surprised to discover how many different erogenous zones they have, and how to pleasure each one. The next tantric step is for the women to let their lovers watch as they slowly stimulate themselves to orgasm with different techniques. Every man loves watching, and loves even more being able to give his partner that much pleasure, once he knows what arouses her. Tantra teaches much more about this subject, but this is a good beginning.

A. The tabloid press has spread many misconceptions about Tantra, so some women equate its practice with primitive sexuality. Most men seem more interested in their sexual expression, so they go the extra mile to learn the true meaning of Tantra. Those who have studied this ancient science know that it blends spiritual concepts with sensual satisfaction, creating harmony between the partners. If women were aware that Tantra teaches much more than sexual positions, they'd be more open to learning how much it can benefit their spiritual and emotional lives. At group Tantra workshops and private Tantra sessions, men are instructed on how to treat a woman like a Goddess, and how to worship every part of her body and soul. Men learn how to approach lovemaking the way a woman likes, incorporating seven levels of kissing, bonding exercises like soul-gazing, and very slowly arousing a woman with increasingly stimulating touches. The greater emotional and spiritual intimacy these practices create between partners enhances the act of love itself. Men learn tantric techniques to distribute their sexual energy throughout their entire body, to maintain their erection for as long as they want, and to have several full-body orgasms even before entering her, without the need to ejaculate. Even after an ejaculatory orgasm, the earlier buildup of energy allows a man to continue caressing and communicating with his partner, telling her how much he loves and appreciates her, instead of turning away and falling asleep. This contributes to having a more harmonious relationship, and can rejuvenate a marriage that has gone stale over the years, benefiting the entire family.